I was speaking to a friend over the weekend. I asked the normal questions when you haven’t spoken with someone in a while. Questions like, how’s work and how’s your husband. The responses were familiar to me. Her husband was wonderful and doing very well. He was on track to getting another promotion after being published a few months ago but just seemed stressed all of the time. She was adjusting to being a CEO of a company located in the Midwest after just receiving a promotion along with a $50,000 raise. It was sounding like they had life right where they wanted it. Actually, they were both miserable because they were helpless to do anything about the one thing they really wanted.
To share a little bit about them, my friend is 43 and her husband is 45. They both worked very hard to have the careers they have now. Typically, they put in anywhere from 50 – 80 hours a week. They also live a very comfortable lifestyle and are well-respected in their community. The next question in the dialogue is what started the drastic turn in the conversation. I had to be careful when I asked a question related to an 8-year ongoing discussion, “Where are you two now regarding the opportunity to adopt a child?”
She paused for a moment and exclaimed, “It’s complicated Chris.”
She continued with a slight hesitation in her voice. “Chris, the challenge is we are trying to figure out how to make it work. I work insane hours because of these new responsibilities and my husband travels all of the time.” She said, “We need to figure out how to find someone to cover for us or find someone that could be a live-in nanny. We have wanted children for so long, and we both feel that we would be great parents. It’s just so frustrating right now. I feel helpless because it’s not like we can just walk away from our careers. There’s just nothing we can do so we are putting it off until we figure it out.”
Those of you that know me and read my articles probably can predict my response. I thought, however, it would be interesting for you to reflect on your own response to the story. As a 3rd party in this conversation (you the reader), you might be able to relate because you know of someone else that feels helpless or perhaps you have found yourself feeling helpless at some point in your life. Here are a few questions to think about that might help you formulate your approach to this situation:
- What is the best way you would define “learned” helplessness?
- How is this person helpless?
- What is something in her thinking that might be potentially holding her back?
- How could her challenge be approached differently if she was open to shifting her mindset?
- When in your life have you felt helpless?
- If you were to look at your situation as if it was someone else’s story, how could that potentially change things?
There are extreme circumstances where someone is put in a situation that is so dire that there is no way out. I fully acknowledge that and in those situations some sort of professional help is advised. I would like to discuss less extreme situations, like the story I shared. When someone’s perception is that they believe they are helpless, the tendency can be to throw your hands up and shut down. This is especially true if there is a firm belief that nothing can be done. It’s human nature to support our beliefs by looking for evidence all around that help reinforce that belief. Ironically, if it is a powerful belief, people will go so far as to deflect any evidence that is to the contrary – even if it could potentially help them. It’s a learned behavior and a habit.
Now, if that is true, is there a situation in your life that you might be open to approaching differently, one where you are feeling helpless?
